I wish my penis had an off switch
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
