you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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