watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
