Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize