Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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