Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My pussy is not your playground.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
