I hate your face
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
