I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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