I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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