he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
