Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
