I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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