It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
