I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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