just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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