nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
