the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
This is the high leading the old right now
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
