I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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