The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
