ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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