Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
If I die, sorry about rent.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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