walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
