the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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