We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
