He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
