I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
