he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize