my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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