this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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