my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
