the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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