i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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