well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
