Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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