I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
