4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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