Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
