Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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