i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
