she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
