Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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