I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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