you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
