She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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