I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
