My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
