In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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