You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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