The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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