Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There r osticjed everywhere
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
so much tequila, so little girl.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
