That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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