But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
