how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
