yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
