Farmville is her only friend.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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