peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
