You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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