I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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