He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
