I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I die, sorry about rent.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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