I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
