babies were throwing up all over the place
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
