the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
