this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
